Relationships

There are many reasons for why our relationships can impact us in a negative way. I don’t specialise in relationship- or couple therapy, but I often work with individuals who are impacted by a relationship that is not going well. In our work together it may be relevant and useful to involve the relationship partner in one or more sessions as part of your therapy, but for couples seeking couple therapy I recommend seeking out a skilled psychologist who do this work well. Your partner is highly likely to identify me as ‘your psychologist’ which is an accurate and true reflection, which also prevents neutrality. 

Despite a popular belief that human beings are social creatures that instinctively know how to relate to others, my experience and education in the field of human development states otherwise. Our ability to bond and relate to others, to build and maintain relationships, to trust and be trusted, to engage in conflict (rupture) and to make friends again (repair) are learned behaviours. Some of this learning started in our earliest relationships, before we were able to think about ourselves (insight) or form memories that can be retrieved later. For example, peek-a-boo can be fun and entertaining for a baby until object permanence is achieved and the baby has learned that your face really doesn’t go away when it’s hidden behind your hands. These early relationships and interactions with other people are referred to as ‘attachment’ and is often an influential force in our subsequent relationships with others. 

In my experience it is helpful to understand our own attachment style, our relationship skills, our ‘blueprints’ for resolving (or avoiding) conflict, and other aspects of ourselves when we engage in relationships with others. Perhaps we might be using an ACT approach where we shift the focus away from trying to control people and situations that are not within our ability to change, and rather put our focus on doing what matters, identifying and being the partner you want to be, and to remain present in our lives. 

Conflict can often lead to repetitive and non-productive behaviours, leading to a sense of being stuck within us and within our relationship. In conflict with others the war armour is typically deployed, helmets on, shields in front, spears or swords in hand, our focus is ‘you…’ such as ‘you always …’ or ‘I hate when you…’ or ‘I can’t believe you….’. This is often followed by a defensive and angry response back, followed by more attacks, blocks, hurtful comments, etc. until communication stops, and we enter a cold war era of stonewalling and passive aggressiveness, avoidant behaviours, loneliness and negative thinking about our partner, ourselves, or both. 

When we identify this is a coercive cycle (action-reaction-causing another action- causing another reaction – think Newton’s cradle with the fascinating metal balls) and can see clearly the many times we have gone around and around the roundabout, we have stepped off the carousel of conflict. We are now observers who can see other roundabouts before and after the current one, see several entry and exit points, evaluate the destination or path of journey, and make a conscious and informed decision of our next step. This doesn’t automatically translate into no more roundabout behaviour, but we can perhaps better identify our own behaviour and the typical pattern that drains our relationship. 

Relationships are not limited to romantic partners, but more broadly to friendships, colleagues, kinship, parental and sibling relationships. For example, as a trained facilitator I often encourage we use a Single Session Family Consultation approach (which can be more than one session despite the name) where we deliberately target tangible and achievable outcomes. In this model some of our work is done before we get together, ensuring our time together is pleasant and safe but also to agree on an agenda, and agreement to leave certain topics outside our conversation.